Greetings!
Don't we all want this type of LOVE! 21 years strong!
Here is a cute article I read about this fabulous couple: http://peacockunderpressure.com/2012/11/09/5-things-barack-michelle-taught-me/
Peace & Blessings! Sis. DeAndrea
Thursday, October 3, 2013
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
Real Talk on Marriage: So You Want to Be my Beau?
Greetings!
What you do before the "I do" can be a direct influence on the marriage. How do you make sure it's right? How do you know this is going to be your "boo for life"? Black Married Women blog caught up with a newly married sister for a little insight. She is new in marriage, but experienced in life. With one divorce under her belt, this sister has loved, lost, and learned. She expresses a beautiful journey of self discovery and ultimate happiness.... Welcome into your hearts and minds, Sis. Naomi ....
Naomi was born and raised in the Nation of Islam. She is a Mother of two sons and a wife. Naomi describes herself as very determined person and down to earth. She is a Co-owner of Kreative Krafts and a Certified Dianetics Auditor and currently working on her Gold Seal. Naomi affirms. "I don't set limits for myself or place my self in a box. I am me and will continue to be ever evolving."
BMWB: Tell us about Courtship…
" The Hon. Min. Louis Farrakhan states, “Courtship is defined as the intentional process in which two people formally decide to engage in discovery to find out whether they share enough compatibility characteristics in crucial areas to get engaged and married.” In the Courtship Manual it reads “… in the word, ‘courtship’ is the word ‘court.’ Whenever matters are brought before a court, facts have to be discovered for a decision or judgment to be made…We should try to discover as much about the person as we can in order to find out if the two are compatible or not for marriage.” Courtship should not be based on looks or how moved you are because how much a Brother owns or what material benefit he can bring into your life. Courtship is about discovering how spiritually prepared the two persons are that will enable them to build a prosperous future together and grow further into Oneness with Allah. The Honorable Elijah Muhammad teaches us that courtship is a family affair, meaning that the proper way for a man to seek courtship from a woman is by first approaching the father in regards to the interest. I HAVE TO SAY THIS, THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS PRE-COURTSHIP. EITHER YOU ARE IN A COURTSHIP THE PROPER WAY OR YOU ARE NOT. We should not be found “caking” on the phone, having secret meet-ups, laying claims on one another or having “boo-thangs.” None of that is considered to be proper courtship. We must always remember that the Muslim Courtship is a form of protection for the MGT and the FOI if we are entertaining the idea of experiencing a true marriage. Courtships should not be announced, only engagements. Keep it private. The purpose of keeping a courtship private is to guard yourselves from jealous or ill-intentioned persons who may have an interest in jading your perception of your courtship partner. Long courtships are of no value."
" Courtship is a fact-finding process to find out if the two are compatible for marriage. This is not the dating game. We do not court more than one person at a given time. It is recommended that we wait three to four months between courtships in the case that serious feelings develop between the two during the experience. For newly divorcees, you should wait at least six months after your divorce is finalized. If you are to end the courtship, it should be done in the most respectful and honest of matters. The confidential information shared between the two should remain private, especially if the courtship does not result in marriage. All interaction between the two should be chaperoned. Some of us feel like, “Well, I don’t need no chaperone because I’m grown.” Well, what does The Honorable Minister Louis Farrakhan have to say? He says, “Among the righteous courtship is chaperoned. This is done to keep the parties who are attracted to each other from entering into pre-marital sex, which then stops the process of courtship.” It is not proper for the person you are courting to be paying your bills and giving personal or expensive gifts. This is discouraged because it sets up unhealthy expectations. OVERALL IT IS A FACT FINDING PROCESS! To find out if you are compatible. To overlook the process is to set ourselves up for failure and unnecessary trials. I would suggest for everyone to get a copy of the " 'Comprehensive Courtship Manual VOL. 1 PRESENTED AT THE 3RD ANNUAL SINGLES’ RETREAT AUGUST 17-20, 2006' and study it."
"I’ve watched first-hand several successful courtships and several failing courtships and because I experienced a failed marriage myself, I wanted to make sure I did things properly. Anyone who knows me personally, knows that I can be a “private-eye investigator.” (laughs) I ask question, after question, after question and then I ask the same questions in different ways to make sure that the answers that are given to me are indeed the truth. I already had in my mind my “must-haves” and my “deal-breakers.” I did not want to get into a courtship and then a marriage and not fulfill my proper role as a wife. By having a step by step process already laid out for me, which is the courtship process, it guided me to make the best decision, not just for me, but also my son. In the courtship manual there are a list of questions that we should ask and there are also indicators that will let you know if there are any “red flags.” I asked all the necessary questions and even spoke to his ex-wife and those who know him. I was not afraid to ask the uncomfortable questions so that I could make sure that I was protecting myself. The process itself is full-proof in determining if our court mates are the right ones for us. I don't think I really have any questions that I wish I would have asked. I asked one thousand and one questions while we were courting. (laughs). Maybe the only thing I would have done differently would be to talk with his former court mates."
More to come God willing...
Peace & Blessings
Sis. DeAndrea
What you do before the "I do" can be a direct influence on the marriage. How do you make sure it's right? How do you know this is going to be your "boo for life"? Black Married Women blog caught up with a newly married sister for a little insight. She is new in marriage, but experienced in life. With one divorce under her belt, this sister has loved, lost, and learned. She expresses a beautiful journey of self discovery and ultimate happiness.... Welcome into your hearts and minds, Sis. Naomi ....
Naomi was born and raised in the Nation of Islam. She is a Mother of two sons and a wife. Naomi describes herself as very determined person and down to earth. She is a Co-owner of Kreative Krafts and a Certified Dianetics Auditor and currently working on her Gold Seal. Naomi affirms. "I don't set limits for myself or place my self in a box. I am me and will continue to be ever evolving."
BMWB: Tell us about Courtship…
" The Hon. Min. Louis Farrakhan states, “Courtship is defined as the intentional process in which two people formally decide to engage in discovery to find out whether they share enough compatibility characteristics in crucial areas to get engaged and married.” In the Courtship Manual it reads “… in the word, ‘courtship’ is the word ‘court.’ Whenever matters are brought before a court, facts have to be discovered for a decision or judgment to be made…We should try to discover as much about the person as we can in order to find out if the two are compatible or not for marriage.” Courtship should not be based on looks or how moved you are because how much a Brother owns or what material benefit he can bring into your life. Courtship is about discovering how spiritually prepared the two persons are that will enable them to build a prosperous future together and grow further into Oneness with Allah. The Honorable Elijah Muhammad teaches us that courtship is a family affair, meaning that the proper way for a man to seek courtship from a woman is by first approaching the father in regards to the interest. I HAVE TO SAY THIS, THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS PRE-COURTSHIP. EITHER YOU ARE IN A COURTSHIP THE PROPER WAY OR YOU ARE NOT. We should not be found “caking” on the phone, having secret meet-ups, laying claims on one another or having “boo-thangs.” None of that is considered to be proper courtship. We must always remember that the Muslim Courtship is a form of protection for the MGT and the FOI if we are entertaining the idea of experiencing a true marriage. Courtships should not be announced, only engagements. Keep it private. The purpose of keeping a courtship private is to guard yourselves from jealous or ill-intentioned persons who may have an interest in jading your perception of your courtship partner. Long courtships are of no value."
" Courtship is a fact-finding process to find out if the two are compatible for marriage. This is not the dating game. We do not court more than one person at a given time. It is recommended that we wait three to four months between courtships in the case that serious feelings develop between the two during the experience. For newly divorcees, you should wait at least six months after your divorce is finalized. If you are to end the courtship, it should be done in the most respectful and honest of matters. The confidential information shared between the two should remain private, especially if the courtship does not result in marriage. All interaction between the two should be chaperoned. Some of us feel like, “Well, I don’t need no chaperone because I’m grown.” Well, what does The Honorable Minister Louis Farrakhan have to say? He says, “Among the righteous courtship is chaperoned. This is done to keep the parties who are attracted to each other from entering into pre-marital sex, which then stops the process of courtship.” It is not proper for the person you are courting to be paying your bills and giving personal or expensive gifts. This is discouraged because it sets up unhealthy expectations. OVERALL IT IS A FACT FINDING PROCESS! To find out if you are compatible. To overlook the process is to set ourselves up for failure and unnecessary trials. I would suggest for everyone to get a copy of the " 'Comprehensive Courtship Manual VOL. 1 PRESENTED AT THE 3RD ANNUAL SINGLES’ RETREAT AUGUST 17-20, 2006' and study it."
"I’ve watched first-hand several successful courtships and several failing courtships and because I experienced a failed marriage myself, I wanted to make sure I did things properly. Anyone who knows me personally, knows that I can be a “private-eye investigator.” (laughs) I ask question, after question, after question and then I ask the same questions in different ways to make sure that the answers that are given to me are indeed the truth. I already had in my mind my “must-haves” and my “deal-breakers.” I did not want to get into a courtship and then a marriage and not fulfill my proper role as a wife. By having a step by step process already laid out for me, which is the courtship process, it guided me to make the best decision, not just for me, but also my son. In the courtship manual there are a list of questions that we should ask and there are also indicators that will let you know if there are any “red flags.” I asked all the necessary questions and even spoke to his ex-wife and those who know him. I was not afraid to ask the uncomfortable questions so that I could make sure that I was protecting myself. The process itself is full-proof in determining if our court mates are the right ones for us. I don't think I really have any questions that I wish I would have asked. I asked one thousand and one questions while we were courting. (laughs). Maybe the only thing I would have done differently would be to talk with his former court mates."
More to come God willing...
Peace & Blessings
Sis. DeAndrea
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
Real Talk on Marriage: "Meet A Man Where He Is...."
Greetings!
Black Married Women Blog (BMWB) has another treat for you. We were able to sit down and dialogue with married woman, Sharifa Muhammad. Shairfa has knowledge beyond her years and gives the "realest" advice on how to keep it "right and tight" with your husband! Check this sister out below...
Sharifah Muhammad is a Los Angeles native. She is currently a college student and has been married for 3 years.
BMWB: Tell us about Love….
Love is duty. Duty in the sense that I will work, sacrifice, and feel responsibility for what I say I love. Before I was married, I believed love was a feeling of giddiness. I believe love can be at the surface these things, however in order to be real and sustaining, love must be held as a strong sense of duty to your spouse. Before marriage I did not believe in a soul mate. I didn't understand the concept of one person being designed for me and I for them. I thought that love comes, it fades, and you move on. I now totally believe in soul mates and that when we are born, Allah(God) fashions someone especially for us. My husband is my soul mate.
BMWB: Is dating or courtship trial and error?
The qualities that I looked for is someone who is kind, moral, strong physically and spiritually, and generous. I needed these qualities because it was important to me that I have a man who I respect and admire. Looking for what you want can be trial and error, and most times it is. However, it doesn't have to be if we are patient, and look carefully into who we are interested in before we jump into a relationship.
BMWB: What part of marriage caught you by surprise?
I viewed marriage as a never ending slumber party. Lol. I believed that it would be more fun than work. I have learned that the opposite is true. I was surprised to learn that in order to be a good wife, my husband could not be the center of my life, but that Allah (God) has to be. I have to surrender myself to Allah(God) and His work in order for me to be fulfilled and for my husband to have the wife he deserves.
BMWB: What skills do you need before you marry& what did you bring to the table?
Looking back, I believe I should have honed in on my communication tactics. I attempted to be open to my husband’s concerns without properly knowing how to communicate my own. Proper communication is absolutely a skill that is learned and is not something we always see in the black community.
I brought to the table my knowledge of homemaking ie. cooking, cleaning, basic sewing, organizational skills, etc. However, more importantly I came into my marriage with a strong spiritual foundation in the oneness of God, and the understanding that marriage is one half of my faith, and if I am to easily give up on my marriage, I could easily give up on Allah(God) and his Messenger. My husband and I were equally yoked because he comes from a home where his parents have been married 30 years, and his grandparents for 50 years. We are equally committed to our duty to each other and Allah(God).
BMWB: How did you know you were ready to be married?
I was ready to move into the next chapter of my life. I was ready to become a moral, upright person, and share a loving relationship with someone who wanted the same. I wanted to become an example for others that when you wait on Allah (God) He blesses you with exactly what you need.
BMWB: What are your views of the “wives” on the different reality series?
They are a bad examples to society because these women are often engaged in loud, callous, and reprehensible behavior. They also give the impression that women can "have it all", and that is not necessarily true. We can not be 100% at all things, and when we try some aspect of our lives will be sacrificed. It is truly important that what we choose to sacrifice is not our Husbands and children, because Family is the cornerstone of our Nation.
BMWB: Is there any secret to getting to the alter? Did you do anything in particular to make him pop the question?
I don't believe there is a secret. I do believe it is important for a man to respect you. We as women must guard ourselves and resemble beauty and morality. We must be the kind of woman a man can envision being the Queen of his home and a mother to his children. We must also make clear that marriage is the mutual goal and that we will not accept a pointless relationship. A wife needs be feminine, respectful, organized, and spiritually grounded. She must also have a great sense of self esteem and worth so that she is internally happy and therefore be externally happy. A wife should strive to be heaven to her husband who works in a hellish world.
BMWB: How do you keep a man interested?
Arghh!! It's so hard. Lol. But I will say that if we strive to grow into our potential everyday, and remain the same beautiful, upbeat person we were when we met our spouse then they will remain interested. I've been taught to meet a man where he is. If he likes sports, then watch some sports with him, if he is into cars, then learn some facts and hold a conversation with him. It's just as important for a man to feel valued, seen, and heard, as it is for us women .
Peace & Blessings Fam!
Sis. DeAndrea
Black Married Women Blog (BMWB) has another treat for you. We were able to sit down and dialogue with married woman, Sharifa Muhammad. Shairfa has knowledge beyond her years and gives the "realest" advice on how to keep it "right and tight" with your husband! Check this sister out below...
Sharifah Muhammad is a Los Angeles native. She is currently a college student and has been married for 3 years.
BMWB: Tell us about Love….
Love is duty. Duty in the sense that I will work, sacrifice, and feel responsibility for what I say I love. Before I was married, I believed love was a feeling of giddiness. I believe love can be at the surface these things, however in order to be real and sustaining, love must be held as a strong sense of duty to your spouse. Before marriage I did not believe in a soul mate. I didn't understand the concept of one person being designed for me and I for them. I thought that love comes, it fades, and you move on. I now totally believe in soul mates and that when we are born, Allah(God) fashions someone especially for us. My husband is my soul mate.
BMWB: Is dating or courtship trial and error?
The qualities that I looked for is someone who is kind, moral, strong physically and spiritually, and generous. I needed these qualities because it was important to me that I have a man who I respect and admire. Looking for what you want can be trial and error, and most times it is. However, it doesn't have to be if we are patient, and look carefully into who we are interested in before we jump into a relationship.
BMWB: What part of marriage caught you by surprise?
I viewed marriage as a never ending slumber party. Lol. I believed that it would be more fun than work. I have learned that the opposite is true. I was surprised to learn that in order to be a good wife, my husband could not be the center of my life, but that Allah (God) has to be. I have to surrender myself to Allah(God) and His work in order for me to be fulfilled and for my husband to have the wife he deserves.
BMWB: What skills do you need before you marry& what did you bring to the table?
Looking back, I believe I should have honed in on my communication tactics. I attempted to be open to my husband’s concerns without properly knowing how to communicate my own. Proper communication is absolutely a skill that is learned and is not something we always see in the black community.
I brought to the table my knowledge of homemaking ie. cooking, cleaning, basic sewing, organizational skills, etc. However, more importantly I came into my marriage with a strong spiritual foundation in the oneness of God, and the understanding that marriage is one half of my faith, and if I am to easily give up on my marriage, I could easily give up on Allah(God) and his Messenger. My husband and I were equally yoked because he comes from a home where his parents have been married 30 years, and his grandparents for 50 years. We are equally committed to our duty to each other and Allah(God).
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| Pic Credits: Instagram |
BMWB: How did you know you were ready to be married?
I was ready to move into the next chapter of my life. I was ready to become a moral, upright person, and share a loving relationship with someone who wanted the same. I wanted to become an example for others that when you wait on Allah (God) He blesses you with exactly what you need.
BMWB: What are your views of the “wives” on the different reality series?
They are a bad examples to society because these women are often engaged in loud, callous, and reprehensible behavior. They also give the impression that women can "have it all", and that is not necessarily true. We can not be 100% at all things, and when we try some aspect of our lives will be sacrificed. It is truly important that what we choose to sacrifice is not our Husbands and children, because Family is the cornerstone of our Nation.
BMWB: Is there any secret to getting to the alter? Did you do anything in particular to make him pop the question?
I don't believe there is a secret. I do believe it is important for a man to respect you. We as women must guard ourselves and resemble beauty and morality. We must be the kind of woman a man can envision being the Queen of his home and a mother to his children. We must also make clear that marriage is the mutual goal and that we will not accept a pointless relationship. A wife needs be feminine, respectful, organized, and spiritually grounded. She must also have a great sense of self esteem and worth so that she is internally happy and therefore be externally happy. A wife should strive to be heaven to her husband who works in a hellish world.
BMWB: How do you keep a man interested?
Arghh!! It's so hard. Lol. But I will say that if we strive to grow into our potential everyday, and remain the same beautiful, upbeat person we were when we met our spouse then they will remain interested. I've been taught to meet a man where he is. If he likes sports, then watch some sports with him, if he is into cars, then learn some facts and hold a conversation with him. It's just as important for a man to feel valued, seen, and heard, as it is for us women .
Peace & Blessings Fam!
Sis. DeAndrea
Friday, September 20, 2013
Real Talk on Marriage: Love & Hip Hop
Greetings!
Hip hop and marriage. Doesn't necessarily sound harmonious right? Hip hop artist have notoriously been told to play down serious relationships or even there marriages. Black Married Women Blog had the fabulous opportunity to catch up with one of Hip Hops realest artist. If you haven't heard of her this you are really missing out. We would like to introduce to you Mrs. Arian Muhammad. Feel her words below:
Arian Nicole Muhammad is a multi-talented hip-hop artist, musician and songwriter raised in Flint, MI. She discovered her talent at 8 years old and had her love for music and hip-hop culture rewarded sharing stages with KRS 1, Rakim, and many others. Arian has been married for 10 years and currently lives in Phoenix AZ with her husband and 4 sons.
Black Married Women Blog (BMWB) Q. Does marriage fit into the Hip Hop/Entertainment Life? How do you make it work?
I like this question.. I remember there was a time when we did not see many black married couples the way we are seeing them now on the music scene. At least I didn't see them as much. I've always associated that with male artists who had fan bases of predominantly women, and may have sold more records by painting an image of availability. But with 70% of households in the black community being headed by single women, I also see how the single independent female artist is pitched and perceived as more "relatable" and "marketable" to other women in that demographic. In this respect marriage life does not fit into such culture. Being one who was raised in such a culture but exposed to the Teachings of the Hon Elijah Muhammad through Minister Farrakhan, I was able to see another aspect of male-female relationships that was uncommon in my environment. I was also exposed to the streets and what I saw and experienced out in the world turned me off and made me apprehensive. I had a desire to know what a "real" relationship but was afraid at the same time. My husband won me over.
BMWB: Is your relationship anything like Love and Hip Hops Rasheedah and Kirk?
I had to go on Youtube and check out the show lol. From what I've seen so far, only in the sense that I perform hip-hop and my husband is my manager. My husband started out as my manager, I was actually being co-managed by him and his best friend before we got married. Their company was called “Good Guy Ent” and they intervened and took me out of the hands of a brother who didn’t have my best interest at heart. My husband met me as an artist. I was already established on what I wanted to be so I wasn’t searching for myself in that respect. I asked my husband who we were like and he said Bill Cosby and Keisha Cole lol.
BMWB. Do artist lie (still) about their status to get ahead in the game?
Some probably do but I think it's immature and outdated. I think people are okay with men expressing and reflecting more maturity nowadays. I understand not wanting to have your private life under scrutiny but treating your spouse as if they don't exist to "get ahead" is hurtful. Just be single or embrace who you are.
BMWB: Was marriage always in the game plan? What influenced your decision to get married? What advice to our sisters in preparation for marriage?
Before I got married I swore off marriage until I was 40.. I didn't think anyone would be able to change my mind. I felt like there was something "big" inside of me that I had to take time to uncover and cultivate and I was afraid I would have to abandon what made me who I was until I came to see that my husband (manager at the time) saw tremendous value in my gift. There were a few things that influenced my decision; I saw him as being a good father for my son, I started to miss him like crazy when I didn't see him for a while and he just had a great spirit about him where I felt I could open up to him. One big factor in my decision is a discussion we had where we both expressed our desire to help the Minister. That did it for me. As far as advice, I would tell sisters to not only make sure he is a good man for "you" but study what it is about you that can make “him” even better. If you are considering marriage prepare yourself to be able to both give and receive for the betterment of one another -for life… so that you can help each other on your path towards God.
BMWB: What view(s) of marriage changed once you crossed over into Holy Matrimony? What caught you by surprise?
Well like Minister Farrakhan said and I'm paraphrasing, there's that honeymoon phase and then there’s that time when reality sets in and you get down to the nitty gritty lol. Maybe something surfaces that happened in childhood that has seriously affected your spouse; or learning of weaknesses that could test the patience and endurance in your relationship. I came to realize that marriage was more than simply being with a person you consider to be a good match for you for the rest your life. Marriage in a sense is a replication of the relationship between God and man. It is loving beyond faults and seeing needs that allows for a God like patience in us sometimes, as God is patient with us. But it's not patience alone; there is this undergirding Faith in the individual that you have married. Faith based on what we saw within one another that attracted us to each another and we are constantly trying to pull out and make those attractive qualities dominant in each other. I don't love your temper tantrums but I sure as heck love "you". lol
BMWB: Looking back, what skills do you think you should of hone in on before you married?
Communication! I did not know how to communicate what I needed without causing problems lol. I would say well he should know that! But no, communicate it and talk it over and not in a bossy way.. don't emasculate him because if we treat him like he isn't needed the question then becomes well why is there? Why be where you aren't needed?
BMWB: How do you keep “You” defined from the relationship/motherhood?
I believe it lies in that process of growth and self-development. Knowing yourself or getting to know yourself, what you like, and constantly improving on yourself. This will sharpen and define "you". Of course taking care of yourself, knowing when it’s time to take that refresher so you won’t breakdown and end up being no good to anyone. It also includes having a supportive and understanding spouse and again an ability to communicate your needs in a healthy way. There is nothing wrong with letting your spouse know you need a little time to yourself to rest, work on something, or need help with the children but try to communicate it in advance and make it easier. Have the basics taken care of. For example, If you need to go out have dinner prepared.
BMWB: What personal weaknesses did you marriage open your eyes to?
Wow.. I found that I had an issue with stepping outside of myself and looking at self from the perspective of others; taking the good with the bad. I don't think that's easy for anyone of us to do. Though every critique is not laced with good intention we have to do like the Minister says and take the truth out every situation and improve. It’s an integral step in becoming broader.
BMWB: What are your views of the “wives” on the different reality series?
I am not too good with keeping up with reality shows but from episodes I have seen I would say 99% of their issues seem to lie in the area of communication. Women resorting to extreme or aggressive behavior from letting their emotions override their intellect and reasoning leaving more fractures in the relationship when the tirade is over, than what had already existed. Emotion blocks us from seeing things clearly and properly. We have to strive to put reasoning over emotion for healthier relationships and interactions.
Check her out at http://about.me/arianmuhammad !!
"Create, Impact, Inspire| www.changeworkshops.org
Peace & Blessings ~Sis. DeAndrea
Hip hop and marriage. Doesn't necessarily sound harmonious right? Hip hop artist have notoriously been told to play down serious relationships or even there marriages. Black Married Women Blog had the fabulous opportunity to catch up with one of Hip Hops realest artist. If you haven't heard of her this you are really missing out. We would like to introduce to you Mrs. Arian Muhammad. Feel her words below:
Black Married Women Blog (BMWB) Q. Does marriage fit into the Hip Hop/Entertainment Life? How do you make it work?
I like this question.. I remember there was a time when we did not see many black married couples the way we are seeing them now on the music scene. At least I didn't see them as much. I've always associated that with male artists who had fan bases of predominantly women, and may have sold more records by painting an image of availability. But with 70% of households in the black community being headed by single women, I also see how the single independent female artist is pitched and perceived as more "relatable" and "marketable" to other women in that demographic. In this respect marriage life does not fit into such culture. Being one who was raised in such a culture but exposed to the Teachings of the Hon Elijah Muhammad through Minister Farrakhan, I was able to see another aspect of male-female relationships that was uncommon in my environment. I was also exposed to the streets and what I saw and experienced out in the world turned me off and made me apprehensive. I had a desire to know what a "real" relationship but was afraid at the same time. My husband won me over.
BMWB: Is your relationship anything like Love and Hip Hops Rasheedah and Kirk?
I had to go on Youtube and check out the show lol. From what I've seen so far, only in the sense that I perform hip-hop and my husband is my manager. My husband started out as my manager, I was actually being co-managed by him and his best friend before we got married. Their company was called “Good Guy Ent” and they intervened and took me out of the hands of a brother who didn’t have my best interest at heart. My husband met me as an artist. I was already established on what I wanted to be so I wasn’t searching for myself in that respect. I asked my husband who we were like and he said Bill Cosby and Keisha Cole lol.
BMWB. Do artist lie (still) about their status to get ahead in the game?
Some probably do but I think it's immature and outdated. I think people are okay with men expressing and reflecting more maturity nowadays. I understand not wanting to have your private life under scrutiny but treating your spouse as if they don't exist to "get ahead" is hurtful. Just be single or embrace who you are.
BMWB: Was marriage always in the game plan? What influenced your decision to get married? What advice to our sisters in preparation for marriage?
Before I got married I swore off marriage until I was 40.. I didn't think anyone would be able to change my mind. I felt like there was something "big" inside of me that I had to take time to uncover and cultivate and I was afraid I would have to abandon what made me who I was until I came to see that my husband (manager at the time) saw tremendous value in my gift. There were a few things that influenced my decision; I saw him as being a good father for my son, I started to miss him like crazy when I didn't see him for a while and he just had a great spirit about him where I felt I could open up to him. One big factor in my decision is a discussion we had where we both expressed our desire to help the Minister. That did it for me. As far as advice, I would tell sisters to not only make sure he is a good man for "you" but study what it is about you that can make “him” even better. If you are considering marriage prepare yourself to be able to both give and receive for the betterment of one another -for life… so that you can help each other on your path towards God.
BMWB: What view(s) of marriage changed once you crossed over into Holy Matrimony? What caught you by surprise?
Well like Minister Farrakhan said and I'm paraphrasing, there's that honeymoon phase and then there’s that time when reality sets in and you get down to the nitty gritty lol. Maybe something surfaces that happened in childhood that has seriously affected your spouse; or learning of weaknesses that could test the patience and endurance in your relationship. I came to realize that marriage was more than simply being with a person you consider to be a good match for you for the rest your life. Marriage in a sense is a replication of the relationship between God and man. It is loving beyond faults and seeing needs that allows for a God like patience in us sometimes, as God is patient with us. But it's not patience alone; there is this undergirding Faith in the individual that you have married. Faith based on what we saw within one another that attracted us to each another and we are constantly trying to pull out and make those attractive qualities dominant in each other. I don't love your temper tantrums but I sure as heck love "you". lol
BMWB: Looking back, what skills do you think you should of hone in on before you married?
Communication! I did not know how to communicate what I needed without causing problems lol. I would say well he should know that! But no, communicate it and talk it over and not in a bossy way.. don't emasculate him because if we treat him like he isn't needed the question then becomes well why is there? Why be where you aren't needed?
BMWB: How do you keep “You” defined from the relationship/motherhood?
I believe it lies in that process of growth and self-development. Knowing yourself or getting to know yourself, what you like, and constantly improving on yourself. This will sharpen and define "you". Of course taking care of yourself, knowing when it’s time to take that refresher so you won’t breakdown and end up being no good to anyone. It also includes having a supportive and understanding spouse and again an ability to communicate your needs in a healthy way. There is nothing wrong with letting your spouse know you need a little time to yourself to rest, work on something, or need help with the children but try to communicate it in advance and make it easier. Have the basics taken care of. For example, If you need to go out have dinner prepared.
BMWB: What personal weaknesses did you marriage open your eyes to?
Wow.. I found that I had an issue with stepping outside of myself and looking at self from the perspective of others; taking the good with the bad. I don't think that's easy for anyone of us to do. Though every critique is not laced with good intention we have to do like the Minister says and take the truth out every situation and improve. It’s an integral step in becoming broader.
BMWB: What are your views of the “wives” on the different reality series?
I am not too good with keeping up with reality shows but from episodes I have seen I would say 99% of their issues seem to lie in the area of communication. Women resorting to extreme or aggressive behavior from letting their emotions override their intellect and reasoning leaving more fractures in the relationship when the tirade is over, than what had already existed. Emotion blocks us from seeing things clearly and properly. We have to strive to put reasoning over emotion for healthier relationships and interactions.
Check her out at http://about.me/arianmuhammad !!
"Create, Impact, Inspire| www.changeworkshops.org
Peace & Blessings ~Sis. DeAndrea
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
Poetic Expressions
Greetings!
Being a wife can be hard work, and sometime we are not able to explore our inner creativeness as much as we would like. This Wife has found a beautiful balance. Please warmly receive the next Black Married Woman Blog Contributor as she shares a poetic expression. Sis. Lola!
Lola was born and raised in California. She is a mother of two and has been married for 4 years. She has a degree in Liberal Arts. Her writing has been published in an internationally distributed newspaper and she will be putting out a book of poetry in the near future.
We Are One
Peace& Blessings! ~Sis. DeAndrea
Monday, September 9, 2013
FEATURED: In Search of Sisterhood...
Greetings!
Black Married Women blogger was featured in an internationally distributed newspaper! What a great honor :)
Check out the article on their online database at :
http://www.finalcall.com/artman/publish/sisterspace/article_100628.shtml
Peace & Blessings!
Black Married Women blogger was featured in an internationally distributed newspaper! What a great honor :)
Check out the article on their online database at :
http://www.finalcall.com/artman/publish/sisterspace/article_100628.shtml
Peace & Blessings!
Sunday, September 8, 2013
A Glimpse into the mind of a Goddess!
Greetings!
Below is a very special opportunity to get insight from one of the most knowledgeable and profound women I have came across, Dr. Ava Muhammad. Dr. Ava Muhammad is a gifted attorney, minister, researcher and author of the powerful and popular book, REAL LOVE. Her lectures are available at avaspeaks.com. She received her Juris Doctorate from Georgetown University and is a member of the New York Bar. She has been featured in Essence Magazine, which named her one of America's most powerful Black women. The focus of her work is self-empowerment and community development. Dr. Ava Muhammad is a spiritual teacher, wife and mother. Send your questions in to her TODAY!
You can tweet her @DrAvaMuhammad with the hashtag #AskDrAva !
Peace & Blessings!
~Sis. DeAndrea
Real talk on Marriage: Born to be a Wife! ... But Have an Escape Route?!
Greetings!
So I know Destiny’s Child has a lot of sisters singing “Let me cater to you”, but how many are really singing “I got your slippers, your dinner, your dessert and so much more”?
Better yet, how many are singing, “He is in charge. He is the head of the household. I will be a submissive wife. I never wanted to be anything other than a wife.”
Are these statements dared to be uttered in 2013? Yes they are! Some Black women are choosing a life based in the home. Can a woman be fulfilled with being a housewife or does she also need a back-up plan? You decide.
Here is another stimulating interview conducted by Black Married Women Blog. Enjoy!
Welcome our new contributor Rebecca Muhammad.
Rebecca Muhammad describes herself as a woman of God, a co-creator, a sister, an Aunt, a wife, and a mother. She says, “I am me”.
Black Married Women Blog (BMWB) asked Sister Rebecca Muhammad was marriage always in the game plan. She states:
“Yes. For me marriage was always in the game plan. Being raised by my Mom and watching her be a homemaker to 13 children all I knew was being a wife to someone someday. Also being taught how to keep house, rear children, take care of a husband, sew, cook , and in general how to act at home and abroad in my Muslim Girls Training and General Civilization Class at the Mosques from a child to an adult walked me into my future role as a wife. If I could give any advice to a sister it would be never marry to escape your current situation. Make sure you have a skill or trade something marketable or something you can start a business from to fall back on if ever needed. Don’t try to change anyone but yourself once married. And be thankful and remember daily the little things that took place and brought you joy during marriage because it’s extremely easy to become dissatisfied with what you don’t have or need and then separation begins and a slinking Devil can creep into your mind, heart, and marriage. You must learn to rise above your emotions. You can express it but don’t stay in it, don’t let it consume you to the point of leaving a mental and emotional scar between you and your husband.
BMWB: What is a good wife and has any of your views of marriage changed from single-dom to matrimony?
Sis. Rebecca: “A wife is Patient, Acceptant, Willingly Submissive, Loving, Forgiving, Strong, and did I say Patient. I brought willing submissiveness to my marriage. I told my husband before marrying him as long as he stayed on the course of Allah (God), you know not Hislam and strived to encourage me to stay the course then I would marry him and I would submit to his right as the head. This was the major factor in us being equally yoked."
"After getting married I realized your marriage will be whatever you work at making it to be. If you want an abusive one you will make it, If you want a loving one you will make it, If you want a spiritual one you will make it, just mix together your own recipe and start working at it. What caught me by surprise is that the world doesn’t revolve around one person or two there will be many moments when you will have to be an individual growing by yourself. You will have to seek assistance through patience and prayer from Allah (God). It is not your spouse job to make you happy or fix your problems. If you want things to be a certain way then work at it. Something else that caught me by surprise was the way I was raised and the things I witnessed as a child between my parent’s marriage transferred into my marriage some good and bad.”
Leave a comment below and there will be more to come with this beautiful sister, God willing...
~Sis. DeAndrea
Friday, September 6, 2013
The Ring Doesn't Mean A Thing!... Or Does It?
Greetings!
American society seems to be very fascinated by wedding and engagement rings. According to Queen Bey, "If you liked it, then you should of put a ring on it" and our favorite vanilla ATL housewife, Kim Zolciak, throws in " The ring don't mean a thing". But, does it?? Where did this tradition begin and why do all the single ladies want one so bad? Fun facts on rings...
Wedding Bands:
Ancient Egyptians
Though the exact origin is unknown, historians primarily believe ancient Egypt started the tradition most like our modern wearing of a wedding band. Archeological discoveries, some dating back more than 3,000 years ago, led them to this conclusion. Imagery on artifacts, such as papyrus scrolls, reveal an ancient culture that exchanged rings braided from reeds and hemp. Through translated hieroglyphics, experts learned how this society viewed the circle as a symbol of endless love between a man and woman. Additionally, Egyptians wore wedding bands on the ring finger of their left hands. They believed this finger held a special vein directly connected to the heart. The concept was passed down to other cultures, and centuries later, it was coined by the Latin term vena amoris or vein of love.
Ancient Romans
In ancient Rome, there were several types of recognized marriages, categorized by social class. They included Usus, Coemptio, and Confarreatio. Usus was an informal union reserved for the lowest class. It is often compared to today's common law marriage. Coemptio was a marriage that involved purchasing one's bride. While historians believe this was symbolic and not a true sale, fathers were paid for the hands of their daughters. Confarreatio was reserved for the elite class and was the only legal form of marriage at the time. This union was officiated with the groom presenting a ring to his bride. Most rings were made of iron, which led to the tradition of metal wedding rings. Unlike the Egyptians' symbols of love, however, historians believe the Romans viewed these bands as symbols of possession. The wife now belonged to the husband. http://www.jtv.com/library/wedding-ring-history.html
History of Engagement Rings:
Pre-History: The caveman tied cords made of braided grass around his chosen mate’s wrists, ankles, and waist, to bring her spirit under his control.
Circa 2800 BC: Egyptians are buried wearing rings made of a single silver or gold wire on the third finger of their left hands, believed to be connected directly to the heart by the vena amoris.
2nd Century BC: According to Pliny the Elder, the groom gives the bride first a gold ring to wear during the ceremony and at special events, then an iron ring to wear at home, signifying her binding legal agreement to his ownership of her.
1st Century BC: Puzzle rings first appear in Asia, where sultans and sheiks use them to tag each of their wives.
1217: The bishop of Salisbury puts an end to the popular practice of seducing girls into mock marriage with rings made of rushes. His solution? Declaring a marriage with a rush-ring legally binding.
1456: The Gutenberg bible is published. There is no mention of betrothal or marriage rings in this or any other edition of the bible.
1477: In one of the first recorded uses of a diamond engagement ring, Archduke Maximilian of Austria proposes to Mary of Burgundy with a ring that is set with thin, flat pieces of diamonds in the shape of an “M.”
1700s: Silver “poesy rings” engraved with flowery sayings are in vogue in Europe. Across the Atlantic Ocean, the Puritans give their betrotheds useful thimbles instead of rings, which are derided as frippery. Eventually, however, many thimbles get their tops sliced off and are worn as rings anyway.
1800s: The highly sentimental Victorians make jewelry from human hair, and use gemstones to spell out names or endearments, such as a D-E-A-R-E-S-T ring set with a sequence of diamond, emerald, amethyst, ruby, emerald, etc.
1867: Diamonds are discovered in the Cape Colony (now a province in South Africa), the beginning of a huge increase in the diamond supply.
1880: Cecil Rhodes, who arrived in South Africa in 1873, founds the DeBeers Mining Company with other investors. Within the decade, they will control 90 percent of the world’s diamond production.
1886: Tiffany & Co. introduces the “Tiffany setting,” a six-prong ring designed to maximize a diamond’s brilliance by raising it up from the band.
1890s: Affordable wedding rings and diamond engagement rings appear in mail-order catalogs, such as Sears & Roebuck.
1918: Cartier creates the Trinity Ring—intertwined hoops in pink gold (love), white gold (friendship), and yellow gold (fidelity)—for Jean Cocteau, who gives one to his lover, poet Raymond Radiguet. It is still a traditional wedding ring in France.
1920s: Manufacturers and retail jewelers try to launch the concept of men’s engagement rings, which sinks like a lead balloon.
Early 1940′s: Engagement rings become the leading line of jewelry in most department stores.
1944: A Catholic priest queries The American Ecclesiastical Review as to whether he’s permitted to marry a couple in a “double ring” ceremony, and, if so, how to go about it. (The Roman Ritual calls only for the blessing of the bride’s ring.) The Review OKs the practice.
1946: Humphrey Bogart chooses to wear his first groom’s ring when he is married—for the fifth, and final, time—to Lauren Bacall.
Read more here: http://www.rd.com/advice/relationships/the-history-of-engagement-rings/#ixzz2e6SO2tiI
Married women, do you wear a wedding ring or your engagement ring? Single ladies do you want one? Leave a line below!
Peace ~Sis.DeAndrea
Thursday, September 5, 2013
Real talk on Marriage... You waited for the "I Do!" ?!
Greetings!
Perspective in relationships is an important thing. Sometimes we don't gain the proper perspective until we have been through many trials. Over the course of the next few blog posts, I plan on sharing the perspective of Real Black Married Women. Read, internalize and learn through their experience. This is true sisterhood.
Black Married Women Blog would like to introduce our first contributor Sharonda Wade!
Raised in Los Angeles, CA, Sharonda Wade graduated from the University of Southern California with a Master’s of Social Work degree and is currently employed as an Emergency Response Children’s Social Worker for Child Protective Services. Sharonda has been married to the love of her life Christopher Lee Wade for 4 years and the couple has a 2 year old son together.
Black Married Women Blog (BMWB) asked Sister Sharonda Wade about Love and what she thought about Soul-Mates. She stated:
"My definition of love is patience. Before I got married, my
definition of love was happiness. The feeling I felt whenever my husband’s name
was mentioned or even just the smallest thought of him. Now that I am married,
my definition of love has changed into patience, because it takes a lot of
patience to spend the rest of your life with someone who’s constantly growing,
maturing, and sometimes testing my patience. I learned that true love comes
from being patient and accepting my husband’s flaws and compromising instead of
demanding that things go my way. I
learned that loving my husband meant accepting him for who he is and not who I
want him to be. When I started patiently loving my husband in this way I
experienced a feeling that superseded happiness. JOY!
Before I met my husband, I definitely did not believe in a
soul mate. I come from a single parent home and I watched my mother date a
variety of men which she often committed to out of desperation and loneliness.
Of course these relationships never lasted and gave me a negative image of
relationships and their purpose. LOL! Every man my mother dated was her soul
mate. However, the night I went on the first date with my husband, I felt
something different about him that I have never felt for any other man. I was
not only attracted to him physically; I was drawn to his spirit. I felt like I
had known him all my life and I felt complete in his presence. Not the type of
completeness in which a woman loses her identity in the relationship and feels
that she is nothing without her man, but the kind of completeness that brings
feelings of comfort and protection. I felt protected by him."
BMWB asked for an expression on Marriage. Sister Sharonda stated:
" I was one of the young girls that always
thought marriage was silly and a Disneyland fantasy. When I was a child my
Barbie was single, strong, and rich which was my ultimate plan. I never dreamed
I’d fall in love with someone and get married. That idea was too scary for me
and involved me surrendering too much of my pride, independence, and trust to
someone else who at any moment could break my heart. Nonetheless, I met the
love of my life and had no other choice than to get married due to the fact
that I realized from the moment we started dating that my life only became
better when we were together. He supported me spiritually, in my career and
always looked out for my best interest. He helped me slow down, enjoy life and
enjoy having someone in my life that built me up on a daily basis. Even now
we’ve been married for 4 years and he constantly tells me how beautiful I am
and I never get tired of hearing it LOL!. My advice for sisters in preparation
for marriage is to make sure you “Count the Cost” before you buy a lifetime
commitment with someone. If you’re not willing to adapt to change and tend to
run away from challenges, than marriage is not for you. Challenges will come
whether they are financial, spiritual or physical. Marriage is not a game that you can simply
stop playing when it gets to hard or rough. No one can predict the future, but
we can as women pay attention to the warning signs from our spouses and
ourselves about our readiness for marriage.
A lot of views I had about marriage changed drastically once
I crossed over into Holy Matrimony, especially in terms of infidelity. Before I
was married, I would always judge and look down on women who stayed in
marriages where their husbands cheated on them. I would label these women as
weak, passive, and ignorant. It wasn’t until after I married my husband that I
realized that when you are married to someone, it’s not easy to just pack up
your bags and walk out. Marriage connects a man and woman spiritually, legally,
and physically. It’s a vow, a promise and contract that I myself take very
seriously. I have not had to deal with infidelity in my marriage; however, my
husband and I have had discussions about our commitment and faithfulness to one
another. The topic of infidelity is very sensitive; however, we openly discuss
this topic because it is a real life temptation that most people face at some
point in their marriage."
BMWB asked about Skill Sets in marriage and single-dom:
" I don’t think there are any skills that I could have honed
in on before I was married. Being married in an everyday on the job training
course and I take it day by day. I read
so many books about what it means to be a good wife before I got married and
sought out advice from many of the older, wiser women in my life that I
trusted. However, it was the real life experiences that occurred after I got
married that equipped me with the tools of being a humble, gentle,
understanding wife. Every man and woman is
different and in marriage people have different ways of communicating and
showing one another love. I’m still
honing in on more skills as a married woman with the goal of not being perfect
but being able to meet my husband’s needs."
In response to what she brought to the table and possible weaknesses Sister Sharonda stated:
"Values, Values, Values. My husband and I have the same value
system and same belief system when it comes to our religion and upbringing. My
husband and I are definitely equally yoked because we have the same passion and
love for God which allows us to hold one another accountable for the mistakes
we make and support one another on our spiritual walk with God.
The biggest weakness that my marriage opened my eyes to was
my pride as a woman. My independence, my self proclaimed strength, and need to
control everything was rooted in fear and it really hurt when the truth was
revealed. My husband of course, quickly shined a huge light on my weakness
shortly after we got married and pointed out that every time something wouldn’t
go my way I would become anxious and immediately try to take control of a
situation. He also informed me that even though I am “70% right” in matters
concerning our marriage, I shouldn’t say it out loud. LOL! This was very
humbling for me. The fact that real strength, independence and self-control
comes from remaining silent at times, listening, and not expressing every
single thought and boasting about the things I know."
BMWB asked "What are your views of the “wives” on the different
reality series?
"SMH. Next question! No seriously, I do watch MaryMary, Tamar
and Vince, The Braxton Family Values, and R&B Divas LA with my husband and
I think that some reality shows do shed a realistic image of marriage in that
the couples are shown having disagreements and working those disagreements out.
I also feel that other reality shows in which marriages are full of disrespect,
infidelity, and unnecessary drama shed a bad light on marriage and cause people
to question the purpose of being married."
BMWB asked "What are the core qualities of being a good wife?"
"The core qualities of being a good wife in my opinion is
making sure that my husband’s needs are met while at the same time making sure
mine are met as well. I would love to say that being serving, a good homemaker,
and other clique qualities are the core of being a good wife, but honestly, I
myself often fail in those areas and I learned early not to be so hard on
myself. My husband told me that the best quality of being a good wife is being
respectful; respectful to him, our family and myself."
BMWB asked "Is there any secret to getting to the alter? Did you do
anything in particular to make him pop the question?
I don’t think that there is any secret to getting to the
altar, but one thing I do want to share is that not engaging in sex before
marriage makes an extremely big difference in the timeframe of when a man
proposes. LOL! My husband and I chose to be pure until our wedding night and
although it was very challenging while we were dating, I definitely did not
have to wait 5 years before I was engaged.
He had a plan and he executed it within 2 years. This man waited two
years for me and I felt so special and taken care of on our wedding night and
had no doubt that I made the right decision.
Thursday, August 22, 2013
Greetings!
Greetings!
Welcome to this space. My hope for this blog is to provide a space where black women can share a different perspective on marriage than what is portrayed in the media today. Reality shows have taken the airways by storm. Popular housewife shows are commonly portraying black women in a negative light. On the Pro-athlete wives shows, many of the women are rarely wives and some if not most of the marriages end in divorce before the second season can even be aired. Is this the image of black marriage we want portrayed around the world? Some say this is "real". I beg to differ. This blog will highlight real black married women around the country and possible the globe. We will share our struggles, our trials, our lessons, our stories. This small glimpse into our lives will offer real advice and real testimonies. This blog, God willing, will give sound advice for our single sisters and give comfort for our married sisters through shared sisterhood. Please keep reading and subscribe. It's time we take the reins of our image. I wish you all peace, love, and inspiration.
~De
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