Real talk on Marriage... You waited for the "I Do!" ?!

Greetings!

Perspective in relationships is an important thing. Sometimes we don't gain the proper perspective until we have been through many trials. Over the course of the next few blog posts, I plan on sharing the perspective of  Real Black Married Women. Read, internalize and learn through their experience. This is true sisterhood. 

Black Married Women Blog would like to introduce our first contributor Sharonda Wade! 

Raised in Los Angeles, CA, Sharonda Wade graduated from the University of Southern California with a Master’s of Social Work degree and is currently employed as an Emergency Response Children’s Social Worker for Child Protective Services. Sharonda has been married to the love of her life Christopher Lee Wade for 4 years and the couple has a 2 year old son together. 

Black Married Women Blog (BMWB) asked Sister Sharonda Wade about Love and what she thought about Soul-Mates. She stated:

"My definition of love is patience. Before I got married, my definition of love was happiness. The feeling I felt whenever my husband’s name was mentioned or even just the smallest thought of him. Now that I am married, my definition of love has changed into patience, because it takes a lot of patience to spend the rest of your life with someone who’s constantly growing, maturing, and sometimes testing my patience. I learned that true love comes from being patient and accepting my husband’s flaws and compromising instead of demanding that things go my way.  I learned that loving my husband meant accepting him for who he is and not who I want him to be. When I started patiently loving my husband in this way I experienced a feeling that superseded happiness. JOY!

       Before I met my husband, I definitely did not believe in a soul mate. I come from a single parent home and I watched my mother date a variety of men which she often committed to out of desperation and loneliness. Of course these relationships never lasted and gave me a negative image of relationships and their purpose. LOL! Every man my mother dated was her soul mate. However, the night I went on the first date with my husband, I felt something different about him that I have never felt for any other man. I was not only attracted to him physically; I was drawn to his spirit. I felt like I had known him all my life and I felt complete in his presence. Not the type of completeness in which a woman loses her identity in the relationship and feels that she is nothing without her man, but the kind of completeness that brings feelings of comfort and protection. I felt protected by him."

BMWB asked for an expression on Marriage. Sister Sharonda stated:

 " I was one of the young girls that always thought marriage was silly and a Disneyland fantasy. When I was a child my Barbie was single, strong, and rich which was my ultimate plan. I never dreamed I’d fall in love with someone and get married. That idea was too scary for me and involved me surrendering too much of my pride, independence, and trust to someone else who at any moment could break my heart. Nonetheless, I met the love of my life and had no other choice than to get married due to the fact that I realized from the moment we started dating that my life only became better when we were together. He supported me spiritually, in my career and always looked out for my best interest. He helped me slow down, enjoy life and enjoy having someone in my life that built me up on a daily basis. Even now we’ve been married for 4 years and he constantly tells me how beautiful I am and I never get tired of hearing it LOL!. My advice for sisters in preparation for marriage is to make sure you “Count the Cost” before you buy a lifetime commitment with someone. If you’re not willing to adapt to change and tend to run away from challenges, than marriage is not for you. Challenges will come whether they are financial, spiritual or physical.  Marriage is not a game that you can simply stop playing when it gets to hard or rough. No one can predict the future, but we can as women pay attention to the warning signs from our spouses and ourselves about our readiness for marriage.

   A lot of views I had about marriage changed drastically once I crossed over into Holy Matrimony, especially in terms of infidelity. Before I was married, I would always judge and look down on women who stayed in marriages where their husbands cheated on them. I would label these women as weak, passive, and ignorant. It wasn’t until after I married my husband that I realized that when you are married to someone, it’s not easy to just pack up your bags and walk out. Marriage connects a man and woman spiritually, legally, and physically. It’s a vow, a promise and contract that I myself take very seriously. I have not had to deal with infidelity in my marriage; however, my husband and I have had discussions about our commitment and faithfulness to one another. The topic of infidelity is very sensitive; however, we openly discuss this topic because it is a real life temptation that most people face at some point in their marriage."

BMWB asked about Skill Sets in marriage and single-dom:

" I don’t think there are any skills that I could have honed in on before I was married. Being married in an everyday on the job training course and I take it day by day.  I read so many books about what it means to be a good wife before I got married and sought out advice from many of the older, wiser women in my life that I trusted. However, it was the real life experiences that occurred after I got married that equipped me with the tools of being a humble, gentle, understanding wife.  Every man and woman is different and in marriage people have different ways of communicating and showing one another love.  I’m still honing in on more skills as a married woman with the goal of not being perfect but being able to meet my husband’s needs."

In response to what she brought to the table and possible weaknesses Sister Sharonda stated:

 "Values, Values, Values. My husband and I have the same value system and same belief system when it comes to our religion and upbringing. My husband and I are definitely equally yoked because we have the same passion and love for God which allows us to hold one another accountable for the mistakes we make and support one another on our spiritual walk with God.

The biggest weakness that my marriage opened my eyes to was my pride as a woman. My independence, my self proclaimed strength, and need to control everything was rooted in fear and it really hurt when the truth was revealed. My husband of course, quickly shined a huge light on my weakness shortly after we got married and pointed out that every time something wouldn’t go my way I would become anxious and immediately try to take control of a situation. He also informed me that even though I am “70% right” in matters concerning our marriage, I shouldn’t say it out loud. LOL! This was very humbling for me. The fact that real strength, independence and self-control comes from remaining silent at times, listening, and not expressing every single thought and boasting about the things I know."

BMWB asked "What are your views of the “wives” on the different reality series?

 "SMH. Next question! No seriously, I do watch MaryMary, Tamar and Vince, The Braxton Family Values, and R&B Divas LA with my husband and I think that some reality shows do shed a realistic image of marriage in that the couples are shown having disagreements and working those disagreements out. I also feel that other reality shows in which marriages are full of disrespect, infidelity, and unnecessary drama shed a bad light on marriage and cause people to question the purpose of being married."

BMWB asked  "What are the core qualities of being a good wife?"

"The core qualities of being a good wife in my opinion is making sure that my husband’s needs are met while at the same time making sure mine are met as well. I would love to say that being serving, a good homemaker, and other clique qualities are the core of being a good wife, but honestly, I myself often fail in those areas and I learned early not to be so hard on myself. My husband told me that the best quality of being a good wife is being respectful; respectful to him, our family and myself."

BMWB asked "Is there any secret to getting to the alter? Did you do anything in particular to make him pop the question?

I don’t think that there is any secret to getting to the altar, but one thing I do want to share is that not engaging in sex before marriage makes an extremely big difference in the timeframe of when a man proposes. LOL! My husband and I chose to be pure until our wedding night and although it was very challenging while we were dating, I definitely did not have to wait 5 years before I was engaged.  He had a plan and he executed it within 2 years. This man waited two years for me and I felt so special and taken care of on our wedding night and had no doubt that I made the right decision.

Teach on it! 

Hope you enjoyed this interview. Leave a comment below! ~Sis. DeAndrea